I used to think I could sing. I tried really hard to be Stevie Nicks and to mimic Tracy Chapman singing Give Me One Reason. I could sing Janis Joplin, as long as it was Me and Bobby McGee.
I would sing while my ex and his friend played guitar. I might have sounded better then than I do now, but I have my doubts. Then again, does it really matter if you can sing? Does it matter if you can't? Isn't the point to have fun?
I think that's one of the few things I miss about that time. Not him, exactly, but the singing and the music. There aren't many things I associate with those years that I'd care to revisit.
Funny how a song can bring something back. I ran across Stevie Nicks singing Dreams on YouTube, and there I was, remembering a time when I tried so hard to sing like her. It made me think of those days when his friend would play guitar and I'd sing along.
There was some fun along the way. Ha! But there was far more heartache and betrayal.
He was no good. A lying, gambling, abusive, thieving, unreliable leech. I certainly don't miss him or the life that came with him.
It took me years to stop thinking about him. Years to reach a place where he no longer occupied space in my thoughts or had any real significance in my life. These days, I don't think of him at all unless something happens to bring him to mind.
And even then, it's just a memory. Not a cherished one. Not a longing. Just a reminder of a chapter of my life that is long over.
I can't get those years back, and I wouldn't mind having some of that time to spend differently. But life doesn't work that way. The years passed, I moved on, and he became someone I rarely think about.
I suppose that's the real ending. Not forgiveness, not fondness, not even regret so much as the quiet realization that someone who once took up so much of your life can eventually become an afterthought.
And sometimes, all it takes is a song on YouTube to remind you just how far you've come.
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